James W.D. Stewart

James W.D. Stewart

Embrace "The Suck"


Home  •  About  •  Blog  •  Blogroll  •  Contact  •  Donate  •  Freelance  •  Gallery  •  In Case of Emergency  •  Résumé  •  Socialize  •  The Suck

 

 

 

Share to:  E-mail  •  Facebook  •  Google+  •  LinkedIn  •  Pinterest  •  Reddit  •  Tumblr  •  Twitter

 

This post was inspired by Patience Mason's post about her book idea.  She asks:

Reality is that most people who come back from war, or survive another trauma, are not fine, so if that might fit you, here are some questions to think about:
 
How or why might you be fucked up?  Are you saying or thinking if you'd been through what I've been through, you'd be fucked up too?  If you had my wife, husband, boss, kids, etc.
 
How are you insecure?  Are you sleeping with a gun?  Driving like a maniac?  Not trusting anyone?
 
How are you numb?  Do you have to be in danger to feel alive?  Can you feel sad?  Can you feel love?
 
How are you egotistical?  Do you want everything your way?  Is there flexibility in your relationships?  Do you yell if things are not done "right"?
 
Think about these questions and see if you are actually fine or not.

/blog/2017/05/30/veteran-on-the-edge/

https://forces.army/blog/2017/05/30/veteran-on-the-edge/

Veteran on the Edge

Count Words — Reading Time
by James Stewart
Published: 
Updated:    Added Videos
Location:  The Donovan, Sudbury, Ontario, Canada
 

 

This post was inspired by Patience Mason's post about her book idea.  She asks:

Reality is that most people who come back from war, or survive another trauma, are not fine, so if that might fit you, here are some questions to think about:
 
How or why might you be fucked up?  Are you saying or thinking if you'd been through what I've been through, you'd be fucked up too?  If you had my wife, husband, boss, kids, etc.
 
How are you insecure?  Are you sleeping with a gun?  Driving like a maniac?  Not trusting anyone?
 
How are you numb?  Do you have to be in danger to feel alive?  Can you feel sad?  Can you feel love?
 
How are you egotistical?  Do you want everything your way?  Is there flexibility in your relationships?  Do you yell if things are not done "right"?
 
Think about these questions and see if you are actually fine or not.

I'd doubt you were in the military and/or a veteran, if you couldn't recite two or more times that a curious and/or insensitive clod trampled through your trauma, to relive their boyhood romanticized thriller of the military life.  For the insensitive thinking, that leads a stranger to ask intimate questions, and then discount my story because it doesn't match the official narrative…  Even though, most everybody knows that the government and/or television lies about damn near every-fucking-thing.

I'm not fine…  Why the fuck would you expect me to be?  Because my war was a little war and doesn't matter?  I hear this, all too fucking often, recently…  Even, from other — older — veterans.

I'm angry and full of rage when not numb and/or heavily medicated.  Now, hear this — my witness — my platoon opened multiple train cars, to find them stuffed-full of dead and rotting bodies of adults, children, females, and males alike…  The conditions of those who were interned within the death camps…  It was, abso-fucking-lutely, a damned genocide.  I've hunted and killed people — up-close and personal…  I didn't have the luxuy of being somewhat detached, as a seaman may be, for exmple.  I've had my hand inside of my buddies fucking guts.  When I returned home, the stupid idiot box repeaters called me a liar — further, altering people's perceptions of me, as being unstable.  Caregivers know though, the safest people in the world, are those that are standing next to a veteran with PTSD.

After returning home, unchecked PTSD led me to beat a fucktard within an inch of his life…  He needed several reconstructive surgeries and still looks disfigured and fucked-up.  He'll live out the remainder of his days in a wheelchair and being tube-fed.  After being hospitalized in a psych-ward, I was transferred to a federal facility, and did a few years of hard-time.

Looking back, I don't necessarily regret harming the PoS, but if I were to find myself in that situation again, I may not be as "violent" with him.  To give some context to the situation…  My girfriend (of the time) and I were out at a bar; having a good time.  I'd gone to the washroom at some point throughout the evening.  Upon exiting the washroom, I glanced across the bar, to see some shitbag with a knife at her throat.  Needless to say, I didn't take too kindly to this.  I didn't want him dead, I wanted him to live…  To be beat within an inch of his life, to be allowed to live — if you can even call it that — and, have to think of me every damn time that a nursemaid changed his diaper and/or fed him.

Fast-forward, past the bouts of hospitalizations for suicidal ideation and homelessness, I was finally diagnosed with hearing loss and tinnitus, amongst other shit.  Which, seriously exacerbate PTSD — infusing the flashbacks and hallucinations with sound, while I'm going deaf.

Don't ever forget, I beared witnessed to a massacre — a genocide, an ethnic cleansing — and, have killed a fair number of people myself.  While I can vividly remember, each and every person that I've killed, I'll likely never reveal to anybody just how many there are.  Regardless, I'll be seeing their faces until the day that I die — and, perhaps, beyond even.

Don't misunderstand, I don't regret anything that I'd had to do during war.  But, at the same time, I'm not a fucking sociopath.  I've done, and will do, what needs to be done.  However, I do have a conscience nonetheless — I have to live with the fact that I've hunted and killed people.  I did it, willingly, so that others wouldn't have to…  I did it, to protect those who weren't able to protect themselves…  I did it, to help those who were weak and/or vulnerable.  Even now, I'd do it again…  If need be, I will&helip;  I'll always, to my grave, defend those who may find themselves to be helpless, vulnerable, weak, etc.  Within me, beats the heart of a warrior.

Today, even if I happen to make perfect financial decisions every month, I can barely get by.  I'm only human and am prone to the same mistakes and/or stresses as everybody faces.  That's a base for a veteran with combat-related PTSD, MST, and/or TBI — welcome, to our good day.  Now, heap on hypervigilence and crippling anxiety, that literally, makes your skin crawl…  Welcome, to our good day.  For a great day, heap on cannabis.  I don't make enough money to have that throughout an entire month though.

Why the fuck wouldn't I shoot bullet-eyes when you ask me, "are you OK"?  No, I'm not — I'm on the fucking edge.  Are you ready to listen?

 
Categories:  Career, Health, History, Lifestyle, Medical  
Tags:  Good, Higher Power, MyCAF, Opinionated, Self, The Suck

 
Syndicated to:

 
References:

  1. Patience Mason's PTSD Blog: New book idea #1
    by Patience Mason Published: 
    Referenced: 

 

Share to:  E-mail  •  Facebook  •  Google+  •  LinkedIn  •  Pinterest  •  Reddit  •  Tumblr  •  Twitter

 

 

 

 


DISCLAIMER:  Neither the forces.army domain nor any of its sub-domains are associated with and/or sponsored by any national and/or international government agency or branch of the armed forces in any nation.


Atom  •  Comments  •  Privacy Policy  •  Sitemap  •  Terms and Conditions

 
IndieWebCamp
 
 
Links Monetized by VigLink
 

Creative Commons Licence :: BY-NC-SA James W.D. Stewart by James Stewart is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.  Based on a work at https://github.com/jwds1978/jwds1978.github.io.